5:30 am

Waking up when it is still dark and no one wants to be awake, it is a treat to do so with an immediate sense of calm. Thinking of the sleeping 3 year old next door (hi Jackpunk) with a relief after last nights anxiety about the same shines a light on what feels like a more accurate response. Contemplating my list of things to do also brings calm, and I wonder why someone who claims to long for nothingness would go to such lengths for negentropy. But there is a swirling of things that happens in the activity that reminds me of--and throws me into the flow of-- the hurling universe, and there is a centeredness that comes from sitting and reflecting in and on the increasingly beautiful surroundings that makes sense.

It is not that the universe requires me to work so hard to find the flow, I know I could just dive in at any other juncture and find peace, but it suits me for now. And it dawns on me, as the sky creeps toward blue, that uniquesness implies somethingness. That perhaps, after many years, I want something.